Fun in German

Last week a bunch of us went to a bar in the Karolinen Viertel (the "Karoline Quarter", a hip little section of town with it's very own website). I've been learning to sprechen, and all my German friends have been telling me how much better I've gotten, so I was feeling all good about myself and decided to order my drink in the Deutsche. I decided I wanted port, also known as dessert wine. I remembered that the word for dessert is nachtisch and the word for wine is simply wein. So I sauntered up to the bar an said Haben sie nachtische wein? and I slurred it a bit so the words would be a little squooshy and blend together and it wouldn't be so obvious that I'm an American infidel. For a second there, I was pretty proud of myself.

But the bartender, a twenty something girl with extremely red lipstick, looked at me in horror. Turns out that nachtischwein, when properly slurred, sounds a lot like nacht shwein, which OF COURSE means naked pig. Which I suppose could sound like some sort of exotic cocktail ("Naked pig on the rocks please!"), but probably sounded a lot more like a bizarre sexual maneuver ("I'll donkey punch you if you give me a naked pig after! Whaddya say Ms. Sexy Bartender?"). Naturally, she turned to my Deutscher friends, who laughed and clarified the mistake. I turned a little red, and they asked me what I was trying to say.

"Dessert wine," I said. "How do you say dessert wine?"

They all said, practically in unison, "We say dessert wine!"

"Well fuck you then!"

Which I think is about the right answer. How could "dessert wine" possibly sound like "naked pig", and how could Germany have made it this far while speaking such a ridiculous language? I mean really.

:-)